“Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself and know that everything in this life has a purpose.”
– Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
I was reading the other day a little book called Walking on sunshine 52 small steps to happiness by Rachel Kelly. She is an author who had suffered from depression and through her lovely pocket book she was proposing little mindfulness exercises. Basically she is suggesting that by small gestures one should stop and take stock of every little blessed thing that happens…and of course my first reaction was to mentally question myself and others who’s opinion I value. To question to what extent we have the ability to put aside (without repressing!) the ample noises from outside- the strikingly charming and dreadful London- and those from within (do more, be more, have more, experience more, even travel more!!)
To question if we could really refocus ourselves from the distractions of our busy, over
achieving lives. To question if we could really stop being ruled by numbers like age, income, calories, social media followers? Not that I have anything against quantifying and comparing- but that’s exactly it: quantifying and comparing, especially very ephemeral things, may take us out of a peaceful, satisfying, mindful-to-self-and-others mind frame. I remember being very young and sad because I had read in an Elvis biography that the King couldn’t be
in a room without turning on the TV even if he didn’t pay attention to it… he had gotten to the point where he couldn’t stand the silence. If back then I looked at this as something that maybe came with the vast territory of being an entertainment god, today I feel that might be something that we, the ordinary ones, face. This seems to be the crux of the whole matter: we, as people, both in my practice and in my social network, have become unable to stay put, sit still and enjoy the silence. To be able to stay with the softness of contentment in the full knowledge that this doesn’t equate to a compromise on excellence, integrity and strive, not if a deathlike state that engulfs all joy… Metaphorically, but maybe even practically when it comes to relationships, to know that truly, as Depeche Mode has sung, “all I ever wanted, all I ever needed is here in my arms”, even if the only thing I might be holding on to in that instant is a comfortable pillow. And in any case adding noise to a maybe lonesome situation might not make it better, but worse…
One of the simplest exercises that helps me be me is to find a moment when I can take a break. I used to think I don’t have these moments to spear, but when I started to seek them with intentionality I actually noticed they were there for me to grab even if in the beginning it seemed like stealing time. And I lean or sit or lie as comfortably as possible and it helps to close my eyes. Then I tell myself to breath and pay attention of how I’m doing it. I try to notice how I feel: am I doing this as a chore because I need a clear mind?- breathing shallow and hurried- or am I easily getting into a steady regular rhythm of breading when I can really concentrate and mentally follow the path of my breath?- usually that means I am all right to be doing this and calmly I will be able to soothe any worries or postpone the hurrying. After I take stock of my state, that’s when the thoughts come: “what are you doing? You can’t afford to waste time on this nonsense! (and the list of to do’s rolls out in front of me with vicious clarity and condemnation )” or “this won’t work, you are to agitated, you are always too agitated (and the list of all that I am doing wrong or I haven’t yet become spreads like an endless papyrus)”… There used to be a time when I would try to silence all these thoughts and try to clear my mind so that I can reach some peace where I can let my soul connect to the good and lovely parts in me. But that wasn’t working, I have very powerful thoughts- both positive and negative! These days I go with the thought, I check my to do list, I enumerate all the qualities that I lack, I stay there with the thought and track it, following it’s path, maybe searching for it’s roots. And then something magical happens, because I do this purposefully and in a state of pause I begin to see the “landscape” these thoughts are form in, I begin to see me as a whole, to see that I am capable of going through each and everyone of the items on my list, or that I am able to develop what is useful for me be right now and also to put aside personal aspirations that are nor a priority nor achievable now- skydiving! Seeing myself as a whole with all the past experiences and the growth I have done already, with all the potentiality I have lying ahead of me still, I get to calm dawn, really place myself in a space of tranquillity where all is and feels well. Then for a moment, a very precious instant all is silent… I don’t have to do anything more, be anything more, I don’t have to say anything more, I don’t have to fill the silence, I can let silence fill me… And it does and I open my eyes, invigorated and ready for the great noises, the sweet music, the interesting and healing conversations.
It felt great writing and sharing this, but I think I’m going to go right now and practice enjoying the silence.
